Sunday, November 21, 2010

Cart Before the Horse

I couldn't resist.  In my defense, I was an equal opportunity bargain shopper and got both "boy" and "girl" stuff.  But it was only $2.50 for both and I'd wanted them from the moment I saw them months ago.  Eventually they'll get used by someone, but I'm really hoping it'll be by us ... um, of course.   

Can't tell we love our fur babies, can you?  ; )

Sunday, November 14, 2010

And So We Begin Again

Ah.  That is my breath.  That is the stress and depression that consumed me the last few weeks.  It's gone now.  =)  This is me, smiling. 

Thus we begin anew, with a lightened heart and a renewed sense of hope and purpose.  AF came today and my heart skipped a beat with joy.  Of course, having started today adjusted my entire ovulation cycle and now probably won't be ovulating on my birthday as was the original prediction ... but though that would've been really cool, I'm happy with anything. 

As for the house, it's not finished, but it's getting there.  I've had to learn to be thankful for what we've been able to accomplish thus far and be lenient with what we haven't. 

As for my stress, well, it was multifaceted.  I have dysthymia.  Due to this, I will probably have to take medication for the remainder of my life.  It's my mental reality.  Most of the time I'm okay with this, take my meds, and go about my daily life.  I spoke with my MD and my psychiatrist about taking my SSRI while pregnant.  After much research and several discussions, we are all on the same page that it would be best for me to stay on my meds.  BUT I wanted to try going without.  I had decided last month when I got the IUI that perhaps I could.  Not my best idea to date.  Without my meds, I'm consistently tired, easily frustrated, lack any interest in socializing or activity, and just generally feel like life is out of control.  Why I had gone on for so long without taking my meds, is still a question I cannot answer, but a few days ago the little nightlight went on in my head and I figured out why my stress levels were so out of control.  The last three days have been heaven compared to the last month!  Yeah, it's that good. 

Note: I have to talk about my depression as if it's nothing abnormal.  I have to open the discussion because if I don't, then I'm just one more person that treats it as if it were unacceptable and those of us that suffer from a mental disorder are less than.  Well, I'm putting it out there: it's not taboo and I'm definitely not less because of my illness.   

On a happier note, Momma B and I have started to talk about fitting my yoga necessity, er, desire into the budget.  And I think I have found an affordable acupunturist in the same area and am hoping to get that done as well. 

Monday, November 1, 2010


On this first day of November, I find myself reflecting on things I am thankful for ... of which there are a few today.

  • Support.  I am so grateful for the friends and family that are supporting Momma B and I through this journey.  We get asked so many questions with expectant smiles and my heart just swells with joy each time.  There is nothing more flattering and heart-felt than a genuine interest and shared excitement.  I feel as though no matter what happens, we'll get through it gracefully and with fewer bumps because we have so many people sharing their love and encouragement.
  • Words.  This post elicited a conversation last night with Momma B's parents that had otherwise been closed.  I am so thankful to have had the chance to open that door and find out more of what my FIL meant by his words.  Though we may not always understand each other or even agree with one another, I feel there was an opening of eyes last night on both sides.  Words are powerful and often don't get the respect they deserve.  I am just as much guilty of this as anyone.  Momma B's father did not intend for his words to be hurtful, but to me they were.  On the other hand, I never meant for my words to be malicious, but to him they were.  All these words came to a head and we finally had the chance to actually hear each other last night.  I value communication above most and that is all I could ask for, the openness to communicate and the willingness to at least try to understand.  I offered that to him last night and am thankful to have received it in return.  The impact of our words is nothing to be taken lightly.  I relearned that lesson last night and do not think I will be able to forget it again.
  • Advice.  I have had the pleasure of visiting with friends that have had their first babies in the last couple of months.  They are valuable women, both as friends and as a resource for me.  They have offered reassurance to some of my worries, advice for things they have learned along the way, and much laughter over all the unexpected joys and trials that goes along with motherhood.  Though I don't have a child yet, because we are in the active process of trying, I feel bonded with these women on a whole different level than before.  From them I draw strength and confidence, and in return I can only offer my support and love and babysitting abilities.  ;)
  • Patience.  Momma B is amazing.  Honestly, she embodies everything that love is ... to me, at least.  As I've struggled these last couple weeks, adjusting and crying and stressing, she's stayed true throughout and been that stable anchor that I've needed to keep from totally losing it.  She's brought me back to a place of calm and held my hand and my heart with such tenderness.  She doesn't understand my emotional fragility at times, but she doesn't have to ... she holds me all the same and is strong for me, even if she doesn't feel strong herself.  I am forever thankful to have her in my life.  If I never believed in soul mates, I certainly do now.
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