Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year!

Okay, it's not quite the New Year yet, but I'll be helping more babies into the world for the holiday so this is my only chance to say it. 

Every year I've made a resolution that I never stuck to ... this year, I'm over it.  No resolutions, no lofty goals.  Thing is, I know 2011 will be a great year!  I know our family will expand and our lives will change without any manifestos.  It's the year of the rabbit ... MY year!  

I've been so blessed in 2010 and am thankful for all I've learned, earned, and received.  I am very excited for 2011.  There is so much before us, this is only the beginning!

I wish all of you the happiest of Happy New Year's!  May you all be blessed with love and joy.  =)

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

It's Raining Babies!

It's a well known "fact" that when it rains, life at work gets a little bit crazy.  Of course, I don't know if it's the economy, our mild summer weather, or if everyone was just feeling the love this last year ... but babies have been coming long past the typical "season."  Normally, by this time of year, work slows down and we get to take a breather before everything starts hopping again around April.  I have to brace myself before work because I know it's going to be another busy night, especially now that we're getting overtime texts left and right.  

I love my job.  I do; but it can be stressful.  I want to provide the best birthing experience I can for each of my patients ... so I have to try and breathe through it. 

Monday, December 27, 2010

What a Surprise!

This is my first month trying without Clomid.  After today, I'm convinced Clomid was throwing everything off ... I hit my LH surge three days early!  This morning was my first day to start testing (I've always started a little early, just to make sure I didn't miss it, but like clock-work it was on CD16.), it's only CD13.  Let me tell you what a shock it was to see that little smiley face this morning!!  Totally unexpected, totally threw my whole day off, but totally exciting!  

However, I've determined that I am definitely NOT sticking with my current medical group when I get pregnant.  This whole process has been a chore.  First I have to call the appointment line, but because they don't do same-day appointments they take a message to pass along to the OB/GYN nurse that is supposed to call me back.  Sometimes this happens, sometimes not.  When I finally get a hold of them, I schedule an appointment, arrange sperm pick up (which btw LOVE the sperm bank!  Always prompt and efficient and SO nice!) and so everything should be set, right?!  Not quite.  I have an outstanding medical balance - all these tests and appointments aren't cheap - so I've already arranged a payment plan with the financial department.  Yet the doc's office obviously doesn't communicate with the financial department because two months in a row they've had an issue with the balance on my account.  When I come in to check in for my appointment, it takes a lot of time and precious patience to finally figure it all out.  But after all that is sorted through, I find out I don't actually have an appointment listed in the computer ... maybe they just penciled me in?  Luckily, they've never sent me away, but instead I end up waiting nearly an hour in the waiting room for them to finally remember I'm there.

Don't ANY of these people know I'm not supposed to be stressed during this whole process?!  AAAAAAHHHHHHH.

By the time we finally got back to the doctor's room ... and, of course, waited another 15 minutes for him to show up ... I was beyond frustrated after dealing with this the past few hours and I lost it - just started crying right there on the table, pants off, flimsy paper drape on my lap and a full moon shining toward the door.  Joy.  I calmed down quickly enough thanks to Momma B.  Luckily, I also ended up with Dr. Laugh (or so I called him) who also diffused the last of my stress levels with his seriously witty comments.  So as I'm laying on the table waiting my post-IUI 20 minutes, I finally got to smile.  We may have just made a baby.  

Sorry, potential future kiddo, your Momma is a stress case ... May as well learn it now, it'll make your life - and hers - a lot easier.  ;)

Friday, December 17, 2010

Lackadaisical - It's Just Fun to Say!

I'm a lazy blogger.  I look at others' blogs and marvel at how they come up with content day in and day out.  It's not that I have nothing to say, I just don't make the time to say it.  So my end of the year resolution: stop being a lackadaisical blogger!  There ... now I have no excuse. 

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A Half-Truth is a Whole Lie

I emailed my OB/GYN yesterday about what our next step was going to be.  Her reply:
Generally, [Momma L], we have you take a one month break after 3 Clomid cycles. We can then do another 3 cycles or we can have you see the Infertility Specialist to make sure she wouldn't suggest something more aggressive or different. Let me know what you think, although we usually are more likely to refer as a patient nears 35 years old.

I have your pharmacy information if you want more Clomid for next month or let me know if you would like a referral.
Now I have to decide my own next step.  I feel good about skipping a month of Clomid, though I cannot entirely explain why.  However, I do also want to take this to the next level (ie, the RE) if the next cycle doesn't work.  


Is this genuinely what I need to do next?  I started this whole process with a lie, in that I had to say Momma B and I had been trying for a year prior to seeing my MD just so I could get the referral and get all the tests done.  I'm glad for what came out of that, but I don't want to lie any more.  The reason for my dilemma?  My MD also asked me: "One question that I don't know the answer to, did you do inseminations prior to seeing me and if so, how many?"  Uh oh.  Does this negatively affect my ability to get the referral to the RE?  Will it affect my insurance coverage?  Honestly, do we need to even see the RE quite yet since we've only done the BD twice?!  I'm so confused.  I don't want to take things to another level when it may not even be necessary!  Yet I also don't want to waste time trying over and over ... OH! that sounds so bad saying it out loud ... but really, it's expensive, it's stressful, and I'm not getting any younger here.  This should be so easy.  Tell the truth.  My moral fabric is already tarnished by starting this process the way I did, but now I'm afraid of it backfiring.  What do I do?

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Starting Over

AF came today.  I will admit, I cried.  I had such great hopes for this month; not only because I wanted to be pregnant, but because I wanted it to have happened before I turned 35.  Silly thing to be sad about, really, but I am.

I allowed myself a couple hours of self-pity and grieving.  Now, I'm settling back into myself ... savoring my coffee and my perseverance.

There are things I plan to do now.  I was holding myself back in fear, but what to do I have to be afraid of?  Bettering myself ... which will only make me better for my future children?  I've been wanting to get back into running.  I'd read in so many different places that starting a vigorous exercise regimen while TTC can actually hinder your success.  Well, I'm going to now!  I'm overweight as it is, how much can it hurt, honestly?!  And is running three times a week truly that vigorous?  Probably not in their definition.  So there you go.

I've already started to make a change within myself.  I was very calm about the whole process this month.  I didn't test too much or too early.  I didn't worry about every little thing that felt different or weird.  And, most importantly, I didn't question why it didn't work this month.  It just didn't, there isn't always a reason.  

I'm thankful for each attempt as each one has taught me a little more about myself.  I feel I've grown as a woman each time.  I've learned a little more patience, for the process and with myself.  That last bit is very meaningful, at least for me.  I've never had much patience with myself.  The cliché says we're all our own worst critics, but my critic was a 10-fer ... very harsh, very unyielding, very unpleasant.  Not any more.  For that, baby or no baby, I will always be glad for what we're going through.

So onto the next one.  Third times a charm, right?!

Friday, December 10, 2010


I can't explain it, I'm semi-obsessed with anything twin related.  I love watching shows on multiples, looking at pictures of multiples, reading blogs about twins, and now listening to PregTASTIC Online Radio podcasts on twins.  

Working with laboring women, I actually see very few twin pregnancies as most of them go in for a cesarean section.  However, occasionally I will care for antenatal patients that are carrying twins.  Those days always get me excited and nervous at the same time.  

To make matters more complicated, I have been taking clomid days 3 - 7 of my cycle and though I know the chances of having twins is a mere 10 - 15% ... I still think that's a pretty BIG chance!  

But ... the thought of actually having twins scares the sh*t out of me!  

I don't know why I keep thinking about it, but the dreams are still there and the fascination continues to grow.  I'm pretty sure this isn't a sign or any such silliness, but is it a normal line of thinking many women that are TTC have?

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

P.s. Lesbian Moms Rock!

This from Parents Magazine January 2011 issue on page 29:

Children raised by two lesbian moms grow into psychologically healthy teens and have fewer behavioral problems than those born into a traditional family structure, according to recent research. "A possible reason for our findings is that the pairs of mothers shared parenting and household responsibilities. And even if moms separated, most couples continued to co-parent," says study coauthor Nanette Gartrell, M.D., associate clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco.
Thanks to 2 Moms - It can be done! for sharing!

Birthday and Christmas Fun

For my birthday, I peed on a stick.  Now, I knew it wouldn't tell me anything because it's only 6 DPO ... but it's my day and I can do anything I want!

Yesterday Momma B and I drove up the coast on our way to see the Radio City Christmas Spectacular with the Rockettes in Anaheim.  We stopped at the spot I proposed to her last year and watched the sunset.  It was such a great way to start off our holiday and lift our spirits!  I'm such a lucky, spoiled woman.  Momma B is amazing.  

Sunset at Crescent Bay Park in Laguna Beach, CA

We've already started a family tradition called the 12 Days of Christmas in which we do something holiday related on twelve separate days between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It's our way of keeping the joy and love in the season ... and the fun!  Last year my mom and sister were here to join in some of it.  This year we're trying to fit it all in with my nocturnal work schedule, but are excited that Momma B's cousin and her partner will be joining us for several days.  The fun lies in the challenge (of finding not only the time, but making each year a little bit unique) and in looking toward the future and sharing these memories and the making of new ones as our family expands. Honestly, nothing gets me more excited than Christmas ... the air just feels different, even in 70 degree weather.

Christmas fun in Dana Point, CA

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Pushing AMA

At work, Advanced Maternal Age (aka, "AMA") is listed on the chart under risk factors.  AMA applies to anyone age 35 and over.  Personally, I think this number is moot these days and doesn't match our current research or technology, but it doesn't matter what I think because it's still there ... staring me in the face.  AMA.  As of next week, I'm at risk.

A friend of mine told me I cannot have a "goal" of being pregnant by my 35th birthday.  I can have a "desire" or a "want," but not a "goal."  Well, I say hooey to that!  A goal is defined as:  the result or achievement toward which effort is directed.  Well, a lot of effort has been directed toward this end -- getting myself ready physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I'm okay if I don't accomplish this particular goal on time, but it would be pretty cool, don't you think?!

To keep the effort going strong, my body is totally cooperating!  This morning I got a smiley face.

Cheery and chilly this December morning.
I'm sitting here bundled waiting for the coffee to finish brewing and the chocolate croissants to finish baking ... and the doctors office to open!!  

AMA be damned.  This is a great day!
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