AF came today. I will admit, I cried. I had such great hopes for this month; not only because I wanted to be pregnant, but because I wanted it to have happened before I turned 35. Silly thing to be sad about, really, but I am.
I allowed myself a couple hours of self-pity and grieving. Now, I'm settling back into myself ... savoring my coffee and my perseverance.
There are things I plan to do now. I was holding myself back in fear, but what to do I have to be afraid of? Bettering myself ... which will only make me better for my future children? I've been wanting to get back into running. I'd read in so many different places that starting a vigorous exercise regimen while TTC can actually hinder your success. Well, I'm going to now! I'm overweight as it is, how much can it hurt, honestly?! And is running three times a week truly that vigorous? Probably not in their definition. So there you go.
I've already started to make a change within myself. I was very calm about the whole process this month. I didn't test too much or too early. I didn't worry about every little thing that felt different or weird. And, most importantly, I didn't question why it didn't work this month. It just didn't, there isn't always a reason.
I'm thankful for each attempt as each one has taught me a little more about myself. I feel I've grown as a woman each time. I've learned a little more patience, for the process and with myself. That last bit is very meaningful, at least for me. I've never had much patience with myself. The cliché says we're all our own worst critics, but my critic was a 10-fer ... very harsh, very unyielding, very unpleasant. Not any more. For that, baby or no baby, I will always be glad for what we're going through.
So onto the next one. Third times a charm, right?!