Saturday, January 8, 2011

Fear Less, Hope More

BFN.  Shit.


Sitting in my ACLS class this morning, I felt so sure the very light spotting yesterday may have been the little progeny implanting itself into my uterus.  I was tired, but so hopeful.  AF decided to start today instead.  Not that I should have been surprised, had I bothered to actually look at my calendar and calculate my LP the last five months (since we've been keeping very exact track) I would have seen that AF always arrives exactly 12DPO.  I wouldn't have been waiting for iPeriod's predicted ETA.  


I lost it, right in the public bathroom.  Just broke down crying right there.  It was all I could do to go back to that classroom and concentrate on our didactic lecturer.  Driving home was a blur, literally.  Momma B wasn't home and I was left to cry myself to exhaustion unconnected and alone.  


The worst part isn't so much the fact that we have to keep trying, but rather that I can no longer trust in the knowing of my own body.  Symptoms arise that are seemingly conclusive, but turn out to be totally false and now without cause.  I polished off my "Early Signs Your Pregnant" checklist, save for that very last one.  Now here I am: still bloated, my breasts still tender and sensitive.  You may say, well Momma L, those are also common premenstrual signs.  And I would wholeheartedly agree with you, but then add ... they have never been my premenstrual symptoms.  And as an aside, I would have to question too why then has my body decided to express itself so confusingly since 4DPO?  To throw in another wrench, my cycle shortened itself this month from my 29CD average to 25.  My LP stayed the same, which is all well and good, but my body can no longer be trusted.  Every reassurance it offered, every confidence we shared, each pain or tingle we relished ... insincere and duplicitous.  I feel a strange disconnect and yet, fight to form an alliance once again.  


I want to embrace this deception and turn it around into something purposeful.  Maybe it would make this TTC pilgrimage just a little easier.  

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.           ~ Kenji Miyazawa



First step, breathe.

5 comments:

  1. Ugh. Sorry about AF. I've been having the same thing--none of those symptoms are my regular ones, but now they show up every month, just long enough to get my hopes up. It totally sucks. Don't be too hard on yourself, though. There's no way to NOT get hopeful and think that everything means you're pregnant. ((hugs))

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  2. Thx Isa! I love your comments, they always make me feel better ... I esp love having someone in my corner that is going through the same trials and joys! Yours is usually the first blog I catch up on! =)

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  3. I'm so sorry AF showed up... I know I certainly feel "betrayed" by my body these days, but am trying to learn from all of this too. It's just so damn hard! KMFX.

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  4. I'm so sorry. It sucks. Thinking of you.

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  5. Thx N. Scissors and Nicole! As I told Isa above, it's so helpful to read about others going through the same process ... and for each of us to support one another. I don't know about you guys, but currently we don't have any friends going through the same process.

    My biggest challenge is just taking everything a day at a time and trying not to rush forward. =)

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