Monday, February 28, 2011

Grey

2011 Color Photography Project - February/Grey


My addition for this month's project.  Black and white photography may be cheating, but it's also too beautiful to not post.  =)


Saturday, February 26, 2011

Kittie Knows Best

All week, Lola has been laying on me.  Specifically, she has been laying on or near my belly.  Female intuition?  Or coincidence?  It's been a little colder, but only the last day or two.  I mention it because this is unusual for her.  Normally she'll be around me, but by my feet or just in the same room.  Mikey is the kittie always on us one way or the other. 


Somehow, someway, I think she knows something.  Now whether she's trying to help incubate the potential baby or smother it remains to be seen.  
Can Lola hear the pitter pat of a future baby?
Mikey gets in on the action too, but he's just a copy cat!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

What's In Your Fridge?

Hmmm.  Juice?  Milk?  Nah, I'll just take some progesterone suppositories please.  


Such crazy things around the house these days.  TTC kind of throws a whole other vibe in our environment.  These days I don't think twice about leaving out OPK, HPT, pantyliners, or any other paraphernalia that I once would've thought too private to be seen by anyone using our bathroom.  And now I have a prescription jar in the fridge next to the ketchup.  Yup.  I've lost all sense of propriety.


Of course, I never would've thought I'd have posted about my @$$ in the air after an insem a year ago.  Did you see that?  Yeah, that was my modesty thrown right out the window.  


Speaking of ... OV was a b*tch this month: cramps for like three days, irritability and crying spells.  Had I not known better, I would've thought I was PMSing.  My goodness, I've never had such a strong hormonal reaction to OV.  Ever.  In between crying and griping, I had to laugh because I was so thankful to have such craziness going on in my head if it meant I was that much closer to having a baby.  


TTC has totally messed with my head.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Quick, Where's the Turkey Baster?

Who knew inseminating at home would be so ... messy?  It doesn't sound that difficult, in theory.  I mean, what can be so hard?  What, indeed.  It certainly didn't turn out the way we thought.


When I called this morning, I found that our donor had only one ICI vial left.  Lucky day!*  Getting home Momma B and I just kind of looked at each other.  Despite researching it last night, all of a sudden I didn't know what to do next. 


So we ate lunch.  Can't inseminate on an empty stomach, right?!
*Can I just say how happy we are with the new donor?  Just his little guys' stats alone are far better than our other donor.  Compare: Old Donor - best stats 62% motility and 16 million "total motile sperm available for insemination"; New Donor - 75% motility and 30.4 available for insem.  Um, hello?!  You gotta love that!  Plus, the only numbers in his donor code include 3 and 7 - so auspicious.  YAY new donor man! 
The little guys were tucked in my bra, nice and body-temperature toasty.  Momma B didn't want to draw it up, so I put those nursing skills of mine to good work.  Then we went over the necessary steps.  Momma B looked so cute and so nervous holding that syringe.  Unfortunately I don't think I explained it well enough.  Not everything went where it was, um, supposed to ... in short, it was a bit of a mess.  As Momma B said, "If you're not pregnant, at least your pillow will be!"  We couldn't stop laughing about it as I lay there with my @$$ in the air.  As part of our plan, a friend of mine told me about the Instead cups that she and her partner used to keep the little guys in place.  Honestly, trying to properly adjust that while laying upside down - not so easy.  In addition to all of that some friends and websites recommended having an O afterward - the vacuum effect, I suppose - but my body just couldn't work under that kind of pressure!  I ended up laying there with two pillows elevating my rear and my legs up the headboard for over an hour.  Then I lay on my side with my hips still slightly elevated and took a nap. 


Hmmm.  Maybe we should have done a couple of dry practice runs first. 
The Great Lesbian Insemination Supply
If this actually works, we have yet another great story to pass along!  But how cute was Momma B despite her nervousness and stress afterward worrying that it wouldn't work?  Because she was the one to do the insem, there was an excitement in her eyes that I will never forget.  It made this whole messy business totally worth it to see that!  I fell in love with her all over again in that moment.  We connected on an entirely new level.


I will admit, though, it made me a little sad because this is as close as we'll ever get to impregnating each other.  I wish nature could work a little differently, but we work with the hand we're dealt and I'm even more thankful we have the technology and we live in the days in which this is socially accepted.  It was nice though, having a private moment at home like most "normal" couples have when conception occurs.  I would love to have this actually work for that reason - it's a little more special to us, I'll admit - but neither Momma B nor I have any expectations. 


So here begins a 2WW that holds less promise, but more meaning.  I'm trying to savor the memories of today, yet I don't want to put too much into this moment as that will make the disappointment of a BFN that much more harrowing.  To paraphrase one of my favorite movies: "I'm putting the baby on a pedestal."  That has to change for this to happen, so I'm going forward with no presumptions and even though I have confidence in the process, I am not putting my faith in it.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Newness

I will never complain about working the night shift again, at least not anytime soon.  For the next two weeks I'm cross-training to another department as a requirement for my job, but I'll be working basically 9 to 5.  As I think about what I need to get done in the coming weeks, I am getting more and more frustrated because I cannot get any of it done until my Friday off.  How do all of you daytime people do it?  The beauty of working nights is that I can always schedule something and nap around it.  There is little I cannot get accomplished.  (Okay, well, before I discount day shifts altogether, I have to say one of the joys of being a nurse are the 12 hour shifts and, thus, the three day work weeks.  So maybe one day ...)


But can I vent about one more thing?  President's Day.  Great, it's our founding father's birthday, but seriously does it have to shut down my doctor's office?  Federal and state offices, okay whatever, but the doctor's?!  I think it's just an excuse to get a day off!  ;)

Because of this silly holiday, we thought we would miss the BD this month.  I am not willing to miss another month, so we contemplated our other options.  I thought, why can't we do an at-home insem this month?  Momma B got very excited at the possibility of performing this spermy act.  However, our current donor does not have ICI vials available.  Hmmm, another bump.  So I asked, what if we look into other donors?  The sperm bank has an exchange program and I have heard that sometimes it takes actually using different sperm to get a BFP!  


Well, we looked and looked ... and we found a new donor!  One that I think we actually like better than the first.  (Would it be creepy to post the baby pic of our donor?)  Thankfully, Momma B's name is on my account at the sperm bank so she can go in this week and make the exchange.  And then when I get home, woohoo!  ;)


I'm expecting a smiley face any day.  The last few days I've felt random moments of cramping on both sides.  That is a first.  I keep POAS, but according to my iPeriod I should be OV tomorrow.  So we'll see.  


And this month, I'll be taking the progesterone suppositories.  As much as I'm not looking forward to the mess, I am very excited that my LP should finally be the right length of time.  

Oh this is a good month.  I refuse to get my hopes up too high, but you know how you can just feel something different in your bones, in the air?!  Okay, maybe I'm just overly enjoying the rainy day, but I'll attribute it to the fertility vibes in my world. 

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Ch-Ch-Changes

Well, it's official, we're moving.  We don't know when yet, but we definitely know where - to my hometown.  Luckily, Momma B and I both have family there, so it will be wonderful in that respect (especially since I haven't lived near any family for 11 years now).  Unfortunately, that also means we'll be leaving Momma B's parents in the midst of our baby journey.  As much as that may hold us back, we also know we have to do what is best for our current and future family.  Where we'll be going in NorCal will not only pay us both more career-wise, but the cost of living is less than here in San Diego.  It's a win-win, really.  


I guess what makes this all real is that I submitted my first resume tonight, er, this morning.  I would have submitted more, but the other websites were down for maintenance (ah, nighttime ... when most people, and computers, are sleeping).  I'm not nervous, anxious, or freaked out.  In fact, I feel surprisingly calm and excited.  That can only mean good things!  *Keep your fingers crossed that I hear back from them.*


We had a wonderful Valentine's Day.  Sunday we went for a late afternoon picnic with Momma B's cousin and her partner.  It was so much fun hanging out, grilling and eating, playing Frisbee, and watching the sunset.  (I made a pasta salad that Momma B said was orgasmically good - who wouldn't love that compliment?!  LOL)  The perfect laid-back Valentine's.  San Diego is truly beautiful.  We will miss it so much!  


Perfect picnic day in San Diego!


As for our TTC, I'm currently in the midst of OPK fun.  So far no smiley faces, but should be any day now.  Good thing I'm not stressed!  We need calm momma's for babies to be made.  Hopefully it will happen before we leave for Catalina Island on Friday.  How wonderful would it be to have our next IUI right before a gorgeous weekend getaway?! 

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Vacation

Momma B and I haven't been able to take any sort of vacation in six months - I know, it doesn't sound like much, but we've been through a lot these last six months, so we really needed this.  These last couple days have been wonderful.  First we drove up to the Sacramento area and went to visit: her aunt/uncle, my aunt/uncle, my sister, and my brother.  It was wonderful to see everyone.  A bit of a whirlwind, but my heart is full.


Then today, we drove to San Francisco to spend some time further celebrating our 2nd anniversary AND our upcoming domestic partnership.  The weather is gorgeous.  I've never seen the sky so clear.  It was a busy weekend, so we decided to spend tonight with take-out Chinese and some trash T.V.  ;)
View of San Francisco from Marin Headlands.  Gorgeous!


On the TTC front, I started my first month of Femara yesterday.  Not a single side effect to be found - gotta love that!  I also asked my OB/GYN for a rx of the progesterone suppositories.  This month my LP was really short (9 days), but that's never happened before.  Normally it's 11 days, like clockwork.  Now both my OB/GYN and my RE said this probably isn't an issue (the 11 day LP, that is), but the RE suggested I take the suppositories just in case.  I've heard not so fun things about them, but I can deal ... esp if it means a baby at the end of it.  =)


Vacation is good for the soul and excellent for TTC!  Restores my calm and my confidence in this process.  I <3 vacation! 

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

It's All Poetry To Me

This Is Just To Say
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast.

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold.





-- William Carlos Williams


According to T.S. Eliot, “Genuine poetry can communicate before it is understood.”  I couldn't have said it better myself.  This poem says things to me about love and the everyday like no other poem can.  I cannot fully explain it.  I remember in college, students would expound about how this poem was about the first sin of Eve, or how the poet was not genuinely sorry - look at how he says "forgive me" like a command.  I could see how they would derive those meanings from the few words said and the many words not said, but I never "got it."   


I have had family and roommates eat my food - food I was looking forward to eating - only to go for it and find out it's gone, to my dismay and bewilderment.  Annoyance sets in and confrontation ensues.  How much nicer it would have been! if the culprit left a simple note alerting me to the indulgence, instead of making tracks.  What is more, I actually wouldn't mind if I knew that the person enjoyed eating it.


The way I see it, there can be love in something as small as taking a small piece of fruit you know tu novia is saving.  And though you may feel bad, it was the best thing you'd tasted at that moment (maybe it just tastes better when taken from the cache of your beloved?).  It may even remind you of her in each bite.  And she may call you a jerk for eating it but she'll love you and forgive you all the same.



It seems such a simple, mundane thing to put in a poem ... but then isn't it the simple, mundane things that fill up our hearts?  All I know is I love this poem.  It's definitely one of my favorites because of it's simplicity.  So, of course, I had to share.  =)
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