Thursday, March 31, 2011

I So Want to Believe ...

That I'm pregnant, but I can't.  I don't know what's happened to my optimism, my hope-springs-eternal.  I listen to my relaxation tapes and I try my best to picture that adorable little embryo growing in my belly.  I can see it, but I just can't believe it's actually there.  =(

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Weekly Round-Up Wednesday


Outside my window...  In a word, beautiful!  The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, there is just enough of a breeze to be not hot nor cold - just right. 

I am thinking...  Well, I'll tell you what I'm trying not to think of: my 2ww!  Luckily, there's enough going on to keep me distracted and happy.  We found a house up in Sacramento and move in a couple of weeks.  We decided to postpone our Hawaii trip to make sure we had time to move everything in, unpack, unwind, and just ensure that I'll be comfortable when I move up there permanently the beginning of May.  So much to do, but surprisingly it doesn't feel like it's too much.  I don't feel stressed.  I feel pretty calm.  Just, well, happy

I am thankful for...  Our new property manager.  For giving us a chance despite some of our credit issues and all our pets.  I'm thankful that we're moving into a basically new property that will be perfect for the time that we need it.  I'm thankful we were able to find a place to live before I start my job so I can be settled and comfortable.  

I am going...  Nowhere yet, thank goodness.  I just got back from another whirlwind trip up to Sacramento last night.  15 hours of driving in less than 48 hours.  Awesome.  Only to be made better by finding out the HR woman should've set up a phone interview.  Even awesomer.
I am reading...  Nothing, unless you count utility company's websites. 

I am hoping...  Our move goes smoothly and I'm able to get through the few months up in Sacramento that Momma B will not be with me.  I'm going to miss her more than I could ever express.

I am hearing...  Love by Matt White

Around the house...  The house is sparkling clean.  I love it!

One of my favorite things...  My phone.  I realized just how much these last couple of days when I was stuck with barely a signal or when I had little battery life yet, a 7 hour drive ahead of me, and no car charger.  ;)
A few plans for the rest of the week...  Fun stuff: packing.  And meeting with my ex-who's-now-my-friend for brunch on Sunday. 

Here is picture for a thought I am sharing...
New home!  YAY!

Courtesy of The Simple Woman's Daybook

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Weekly Round-Up Wednesday


Outside my window...  Currently it's dark and rainy.  I love the rain.

I am thinking...  I'm a little sad because we didn't get the house in Roseville.  They wanted someone that would sign at least a two year lease and they actually found a couple that signed on for three.  I'm sorry, but even if we had no plans to buy a home in the next year or so I still wouldn't lock myself into a lease for that length of time.  Nuts.  So perhaps it's worked out for the best.  On we go - more looking, more applying.  No stress. 

I am thankful for...  Today.  Woke up, picked up the little swimmers, got right into the doctor's office and IUI we go!  Smooth as butter.  I came home and listened to my relaxation session and napped.  Took the doggies to the beach, got a little rained on, but it was actually kind of refreshing.  Had dinner at our favorite Chinese restaurant and then later had dessert from our favorite frozen yogurt place.  Today was a good day despite the disappointing news.  That little tidbit just opened another conversation between Momma B and I that needed to be let out, so for that I am thankful.

I am going...  I've been looking at airline tickets because I need to go up to Sacramento again on Monday.  I have another interview, this time with Kaiser.  As the job I've taken is a per diem position, and the one I'm going to interview for is also a per diem position, I figure between the two (if I get the Kaiser position also) I will ensure I should definitely get my full-time hours.  Plus, it will be good to have exposure to more than one hospital and how they work.
I am reading...  My reading recently has been limited to Sacramento's craigslist.  Good times.

I am hoping...  For so many things.  I am hoping I get pregnant this month.  I am hoping we find a nice place to rent and soon.  I am hoping I get the Kaiser position.  I am hoping we are able to repair my credit within a year's time so we can buy the home we are dreaming about.  I keep hoping.

I am hearing...  Plainclothes Man by Heatmiser

Around the house...  Dishes and laundry still need to be done.  Boo.

One of my favorite things...  I don't know how I've missed it all these years, but I've recently discovered How I Met Your Mother.  Such a cute, funny show.  I can't get enough of it lately.
A few plans for the rest of the week...  Only one: find a house that will take us and our dogs in a nice, safe neighborhood.  

Here is picture for a thought I am sharing...

Courtesy of The Simple Woman's Daybook

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Oh Joy!

Love that smiley face.  =)

IUI scheduled for first thing tmw morning!  Yeah baby ... it's time!

Always Waiting

If it's not TTC, then it's about a job ... or ... now a house.  Did you know how much I dislike, no, despise waiting?!  I'm just not good at it.  Whoever said patience is a virtue sure was on their high horse that day ... it's seriously overrated.

On a side note: our whirlwind trip truly was just that.  Through rain, sleet, and for a brief few minutes snow ... such craziness.  I really liked the house, the owners, the neighborhood, etc.  I'm trying so very hard not to want it so much.  I'm failing at that too.

In other news: it's that time of month again ... POAS.  Woot woot!  Should be seeing that cute little smiley face soon. 

Saturday, March 19, 2011

New Beginnings


Oh wow, I'm just amazed and excited.  I start the beginning of May.  I have no idea what I was expecting when I submitted my resume to all these hospitals, but for some reason I honestly didn't think it would all happen so soon ... yet it did and it is.  WOW.

The amazing thing is I'm going to be making significantly more up in Sacramento.  How does that happen?  And, yet, the cost of living is so much less.  Blessed.  That is truly what I am.  

Yesterday I was looking online at houses for rent in the area and found a great one in my hometown of Roseville.  YAY!  So after emailing back and forth with the owner last night and today, we decided we really need to go up there and sell ourselves big time.  The price is right, the location is great, they have no problems with our dogs ... it's near perfect.  Trying not to get my hopes up too much, but I'm really hoping this works out.  Would take so much potential stress off our shoulders if we can move everything up there before we leave for Hawaii the middle of April and that way since I start the new job less than two days after we return, it will be easy-peasy ... I'll just move right in.

Wish us luck!  =)

Thursday, March 17, 2011


I read other TTC blogs every week, sometimes every day.  They help me keep perspective.  They definitely keep my hopes up.  I share in your disappointments and in your joy.  I love to see the posts when you guys find that beautiful BFP!!  I get so excited.  It's just so wonderful to see others in our same position have their dreams come true.  Simply lovely.

I just want to thank all of you.  Thank you for putting yourselves out there each and every week.  Thank you for your honesty.  And thank you for reading and sharing along in my own journey.  You make this whole TTC process a little less stressful.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone!  Here's hoping Momma B and I have the luck o' the Irish this month.  

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Weekly Round-Up Wednesday


Outside my window...  Currently it's dark - the only time the street is quiet and empty.

I am thinking...  I'm getting nervous about hearing from the hospital I want to work for up in Sacramento.  I got a text from one of my references on Tuesday; she told me the Nurse Manager was really impressed with my interview.  She has a good feeling about it, I have a good feeling too, but I'm still nervous and will be until I hear from them (hopefully, tomorrow or Friday).

I am thankful for...  Our future.  Okay, that sounds kinda lame, but seriously for once as we look forward to what lies before us, we can smile and get excited.  Moving up to NorCal is like a breath of fresh air.  We'll be able to fix my credit so we can buy a house that's very affordable, we'll both make more money doing pretty much the same jobs we're doing now, we'll be by family, and we'll start our own family.  I'm thankful for not only what our future will bring, but the people and situations that are in our lives that are helping us get there.

I am going...  Well, I was put on-call at work tonight, then got called in just before nine.  Thankfully, I only had to stay for a few hours before they sent me home.  I really wasn't feeling it tonight.  So I'll probably not get some sleep any time soon, but it's easier to be spacey at home than at work.
I am reading...  Sparkle by Mara Altman

I am hoping...  To stop worrying about things I have little to no control over, like getting a job and TTC.  The daily relaxation sessions have definitely been helping, but I still have bouts of worry.  I don't know what else to do - what else helps?

I am hearing...  The Greatest by Cat Power

Around the house...  Dishes and laundry need to be done.  Boo.

One of my favorite things...  Yogurtland.  Oh how Momma B and I will miss that place.  I wish we could fold it up, put it in my pocket and bring it with us.  The.  Best.  Frozen.  Yogurt.  EVER.
A few plans for the rest of the week...  1) Laundry and dishes.  Joy.  2) Begin yoga.  JOY!  (Wait, wasn't this already on here?  What a lazy bum.)

Here is picture for thought I am sharing...
Lola loves dirty laundry, so I like to oblige her.

Courtesy of The Simple Woman's Daybook

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Hiking, er, Walking?

One of the things Momma B and I are really looking forward to when we make the big move up north are all the hiking trails and lakes.  Here in San Diego, other than the ocean, there isn't much water.  Now don't get us wrong, we love the beach, but we really only go when we take the doggies to Dog Beach (either in Ocean Beach or Coronado).  But neither of us really care for salt water nor do we like swimming in San Diego's ocean ... too much seaweed and dark murky waters.  

On the other hand, Momma B is a sucker for fresh water - creeks, rivers, or lakes, oh my!  Of all the reservoirs here in San Diego, only one allows swimming.  All the others are off-limits.  No fun.  So far from what we've researched, not so in NorCal.  Momma B is overjoyed.  

Today we went to the Sweetwater Regional Park down in Bonita.  It was really green and the weather was a gorgeous 71 degrees ... the perfect day for a hike.  BUT there was no hiking to be had.  The trail was near to impossible to find and what little of it we did discover was far from the water.  So it was a walk really, not a hike, but nonetheless it was beautiful to see the hills so green and to enjoy the outdoors.  

Still looking forward to those trails up north though ... my hiking boots are laced and ready to go.  I miss the forests.  I miss the mountains.  Soon, shoes!  Soon.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Thursday Talkfest

I'm already sucking at this weekly meme thing.  I'll try harder, I promise!  


Outside my window... Well, I'd rather say what's inside my window: two very adorable kitties sitting on the windowsill chattering away at the birds in the yard.  I love those kitties!

I am thinking...  How much I would rather spend the night with Momma B than go to work, but such is the reality of life.

I am thankful for...  The surprise burst of confidence this morning during my telephone interview.  It's at the hospital I really REALLY want to work for and I was so SO nervous, but I pulled it off!  Go me.

From the kitchen... Kitchen is closed tonight.  I have to work.

I am wearing...  PJ bottoms and a sports bra.  Yeah, that's it.

I am creating...  I started retyping all my favorite recipes to put together in a binder.  I love this momma's idea of freezing ahead of time.  If I had a deep freeze, I would so do this!

I am going... To work tonight.  Should be a good night.
I am reading...  Still reading: Landing by Emma Donoghue.  I'm slacking on my reading challenge.

I am hoping...  That this month's IUI is successful, but am finding peace with the possibility that it may not be.

I am hearing...  Look At Miss Ohio by Gillian Welch

Around the house...  Two dogs, two cats.  Keeping up with all that fur is beyond my human capabilities.

One of my favorite things...  Okay, cheating maybe, but Momma B.
A few plans for the rest of the week...  Finding distraction during this week of waiting for the phone call that will tell me if I got the job.  =)

Courtesy of The Simple Woman's Daybook

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

No Pressure

This month we'll be using our last vial of donor sperm ... at least out of this first round that we purchased.  However, we need to save up some more before we can purchase the next round.  Hopefully, that next batch will all be for Momma B, but we'll see.  Of course, we also need to save up because if I do need to go for round #7, then it'll be at the RE with the injections and that's going to take even more money.  The harsh reality of TTC. 

We're taking a two-week trip to Hawaii at the end of April.  Though we're excited to go, especially me as I've never been, it's also an expensive trip.  Taxes weren't kind to either of us this year, so it's ended up taking far more out of our pockets than originally expected.  Thus, TTC has to take a detour because of these expenses.

Ah well.  Here's hoping this month is the magic month.  I started a daily meditation program by Circle+Bloom.  It has already helped keep me calm and positive, which is exactly what I needed after the sad place I went to after this last BFN.  I especially need it with all the big changes going on.

I'm waiting to hear back about a job offer for a position in Northern California.  I have an interview for another position tomorrow morning.  Plus I heard back from yet another position today that my resume is going to be forwarded to the nurse manager.  Things are happening a little faster than we thought they would, but it's only good news.  

Momma B and I are so excited to begin this new chapter in our lives.  We look forward to living somewhere that has so many benefits for us.  

A little bit of stress management is good for me, especially with so much going on, but it's also a necessity.  This feels like a great month already.  No pressure though, right?!  

Monday, March 7, 2011

Just Cruel

AF has hit with a vengeance.  Yet again my body - in it's post-medication stupor - is betraying me.  This cramping is so Charlie Sheen.  Ouch.  Dear Progesterone, how I love thee.

Friday, March 4, 2011


Beta = <2

I don't know how many more of these I can stand before completely breaking down. Yet I feel if I lose it, the stress it puts my body through will just lessen my chances the next month. This sucks. I'm beginning to wonder what's wrong with me. Despite the tests, despite the labs ... This is a horrible downward spiral. I need a pick-me-up.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Weekly Round-Up Wednesday

I've seen memes like this before and have always loved to read them.  I love reflections, the process of looking back, of examining one's own thoughts and actions.  I have decided to start my own weekly meme.  Feedback and/or advice welcome!  


Outside my window...  Currently it's dusk with just a slight sliver of pink in the sky.

I am thinking...  How frustrating TTC can be.  Five months and in the midst of another 2ww, I'm unsure of how others have gone through a year or more of this.  Each month is full of highs and lows, but the lows have been getting lower.  I'm almost considering taking a couple months off just to clear my head.  I don't know.  That may just make me more crazy.  I'm so confused.

I am thankful for...  The love present in my life.  My friends, my family, my fiancee.  Without them I would lose my sanity through this process, sometimes I feel like I'm barely holding on as it is.  I appreciate their support and their faith in the process.

From the kitchen...  Tonight we just had hot dogs and baked beans.  Very uninspired.  However, last night I made Momma B's favorite: chicken enchiladas with a roasted tomatillo chile salsa.  Then I made the best pecan pie in the history of pecan pies.  Yeah, it was that good.  So an uninspired night every now and then is okay.

I am wearing...  Jeans and a sweatshirt.  Comfy and warm.

I am creating...  Not enough.  We're living in temporary quarters, or at least that is how we've treated it.  So much still lies in boxes, unpacked and unmarked.  I don't even know where most of my yarn or knitting/sewing patterns are located.

I am going...  Back to work tomorrow night after nearly a week off.  It's been wonderful having some time to myself during the day while Momma B has been at work.  Yet it will also be nice to go back to work and have some distraction.
I am reading...  Landing by Emma Donoghue

I am hoping...  To find some TTC clarity without the time off.  I'm truly hoping this is the end of our TTC journey, but I have little faith in that.

I am hearing...  Nothing Left to Lose by Mat Kearney

Around the house...  Everything is actually picked up, dishes are clean, cats are snoozing, Momma B and I are on our respective laptops (mine is brand new!  yay!).  Other than the black hole that is our bedroom, the house is pretty peaceful right now.

One of my favorite things...  Right now: my new laptop that we picked out the other day.  It's so nice to have such portability again.  And strangely, Momma B and I connect though we're in our own worlds because we're always sharing what we're looking up.
A few plans for the rest of the week...  1) Laundry.  Joy.  2) Begin yoga.  JOY!  =)

Here is picture for thought I am sharing...

“Behind their lively, searching eyes one senses a doubting, a contemplative personality, always trying to make sense out of a puzzling world.”  ~Adriaan Kortlandt

Courtesy of The Simple Woman's Daybook
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