Thursday, June 30, 2011

Growing Impatiens

AF has yet to show up and I'm seriously getting really, really impatient! The BCPs must have messed with my cycle. It's already CD32 and my cycle is rarely that long. I'm not really worried that AF won't show up, she's far too stubborn not to make it a party in the end. However, I am afraid it will throw off our entire IVF schedule that I based my work schedule around. Work schedules are not that flexible in my new job so it's important we stay close to what we've already planned, especially since I cannot afford to miss any days. I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed that AF decides to show up sometime before tomorrow morning. I'm trying to think happy period-friendly thoughts in hopes that will coax AF out of hiding. How nuts! I've never actually wanted my period to start before TTC. Yes, my outlook has definitely changed.

In other, more exciting news, I hit my 5% weight loss goal yesterday. I actually went a little over - I'm such an overachiever! - and am now down about 15.5 lbs. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. There are still habits I have that haven't been helping with my weight loss, like satisfying cravings every time I have one, but there's always room for improvement. I had hoped to be closer to my 10% goal by now, but through this whole process I've learned all over again just how hard I can be on myself. It was a slow start and Momma B's weight loss shot far ahead of mine and I beat myself up over it - not good. Over time I've lightened up a bit, but I know I'm always in danger of doing it again ... so I have to remain conscious of being nicer to myself.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Hormonal Much?

Doesn't seem to matter what I'm watching, but every time a child comes on and does something even remotely cute I start to cry. WTH?! Tears here, tears there - absolutely no control.

Baby pictures posted by friends on Facebook? Waterworks. A child goes onto the next round on America's Got Talent? Major cry fest. See twins pass by in a stroller with their parents? My eyes well up. No amount of dry summer heat helps keep it secret either.


Saturday, June 25, 2011

Fabulous Before Forty

Call it a TO-DO list, a Bucket list, whatever - the point is there is a certain place in life that I had always expected to be (and other expectations that have sneaked their way in through the years) by the time I hit my 40s.  Though I'm slowly making my way there, the thought suddenly hit me last night that I am less than five years away from that landmark age and there is still so much I had hoped to achieve.  Now keep in mind, this list that I've developed in my head is not an end-all-be-all, but rather a beginning to life lived as fully as it should be.

So without further ado, my 40 Before 40 (in no particular order other than the randomness with which it came into my head):

1 - Marry Momma B, whether or not it's legal
2 - Go parasailing
3 - Go on a cruise
4 - Reach and maintain my ideal weight
5 - Run my first 5K, 10K, and Half-Marathon
6 - Host Thanksgiving at our house
7 - Have a baby
8 - Own a house
9 - Learn to golf
10 - Learn to bake bread from scratch
11 - Go to New York City at Christmas
12 - Make a new friend
13 - Buy a sex toy
14 - Get custom fitted for a bra
15 - Earn my Master's degree
16 - Go on a long (multi-day) hike
17 - Go snowshoeing
18 - Dine at The French Laundry
19 - Be known for one signature dish
20 - Finally learn Spanish
21 - Finish the 50 Banned Books list
22 - Donate at least 12 pints of blood
23 - Become a volunteer doula
24 - Visit the land of my family history: Denmark
25 - Run the Bay to Breakers in San Francisco
26 - Bike the NorCal AIDS Cycle
27 - Get my back tattoo fixed
28 - Climb to the top of an indoor rock wall
29 - Learn to meditate
30 - Learn to sew really, really well
31 - Make knitting/crocheting part of my routine
32 - Stop sleeping so much
  • Note:  I like sleep.  No, I LOVE sleep.  Its very hard for me to get up in the mornings and I take naps any chance I get.  As much as I love sleep, I hate that I’m missing out on life.  I’d love to get to a point where I could get up easily in the morning, but it may be that having a kid will just magically fix this for me.  Or that could just be wishful thinking!
33 - Learn to make fresh pasta
34 - Attend a cake decorating class at The French Culinary Institute
35 - Go to Hawaii
36 - Complete the P90X series
37 - Visit all of the California Missions
38 - Have a three-month emergency fund
39 - Take Momma B on an adventure day complete with a picnic
40 - Wear a bikini.  In public.

Note:  To keep up with my goals, please follow my progess on my page Listomania.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Stick 'Em Up

Momma B and I attended injection training today.  Not that I needed it since I deal with needles and injections all the time at work, but it was important that Momma B felt supported and comfortable.  Too bad that didn't happen.  Poor girl, she held it together pretty well the entire time we were in the room actually playing with the syringes and fake medications, but as soon as we left the building and got to the car I saw her hands shaking and her breathing was getting faster.  I honestly thought she was going to start hyperventilating on me right there!  I need her though because unfortunately I'm not getting away with just the Progesterone suppositories, but the shots too.  Yikes.  I guess if I need to, I can figure out how to give them to myself, but I think Momma B just has herself psyched out about the needles -- she doesn't like them and is so worried about hurting me.  I truly think after she does it that first time and figures out it's not a big deal she'll get over it, but she doesn't seem to believe me.  Any advice from those of you that have been through this?  

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Milk, Eggs, Gonal-F

One day the meds arrived.

Is that all?!

Milk, eggs, Gonal-F

Only a few more days left of the BCPs and then ... AF?  I hope it comes soon, but I realized if it does happen to show up 2 - 3 days after I stop the BCPs then my entire IVF schedule changes and I based my work schedule around that schedule.  Hopefully I worked in enough cushion days and it won't be a problem.  This IVF stuff is tricky business.

The in-laws came up from San Diego this last weekend.  It was great to see them again, but it made for a very busy three days. I'm worn out and had to go right back to work last night.  One more night tonight and I get another week off.  This time without any agenda, any plans, or any visiting.  Well, except for one night of drinking with my bestie to soothe the suckiness of her BFN, but that's a necessity for us both.

I will admit, looking at the schedule is overwhelming.  Life has already gotten busier just preparing: lab work, counseling visit, acupuncture, injection class, other miscellaneous appointments at the fertility clinic, and many phone calls.  I guess I've been handling it well, so that gives me hope that I'll be able to get through this next month without any problem.  

Things have been going quite well, actually.  I've already lost a little over 11 pounds.  I've been more active and feel better in general.  I'll be starting my Circle+Bloom meditation CD again soon.  I also got a yoga DVD from my acupuncturist that focuses on increasing fertility.  I feel prepared.  I feel ready.  

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high.  There's a 40 - 50% chance it won't work.  It's hard though when everyone around you talks and acts as if it's a sure thing.  I want to believe that too, but I'm a little scared that there will be more to go through - that it can't be that easy.  I'm attempting to hope for the best and expect the worst sort of thing, but I find myself more expecting the worst.  *sigh*  

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Pain in the Uterus

I sat down to merely tell you all about my hysteroscopy, but then I realized just how much has happened in the last week.  So instead, you get this wonderfully long-winded account!  Enjoy.

First, I started on birth control pills. I don't feel different, but yet somehow it still feels different taking those little white pills every day.

Then, we met with the IVF nurse and went over all the consent forms, all the required lab work, and then - ta*da - the schedule! There is something nearly magical about that little piece of paper. Granted, there are no set in stone dates because it's all dependent upon when my next cycle starts ... but I don't care, I put all those tentative dates into my calendar anyhow. I love pulling up that calendar online and seeing all those entries. Makes my uterus swell with happiness.

This morning I met with the acupuncturist. This woman has amazing energy - so grounded, so genuine and sweet. I enjoyed just sitting and talking with her. She felt my pulses and told me I really need to take it a little easy and stop spreading myself so thin - focus on myself more. She told me to continue with yoga, to start my meditation tape again, along with some other suggestions. Unfortunately - well, unfortunate for me that is - she also went over how coffee adversely affects fertility and it was enough to scare me off the stuff for now (though I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to make it for long ... maybe I'll have to wean myself rather than go cold turkey?). She also discussed the moxie sticks, but since I'm not like most women and run hot rather than cold she said it wouldn't be appropriate for me. The treatment itself was actually far more relaxing than what I'd experienced before - I had toasty foot pillows to keep my toesies warm, an infrared light above my legs to keep my bare legs and belly warm, and warmed lavender pillows for my eyes. It was almost as good as a massage. Almost.

Then it was time to head over the RE's and get the hysteroscopy. I went in and talked with a different RE, not our beloved Dr. M (it was his day off), then was taken back to a room for my meds (I got a Valium, a Vicodin, and a Toradol shot) and we waited for about ten minutes while I got to eat crackers. We were then taken to another room for an ultrasound, where the female RE - Dr. A - was super rough with the dildo-cam and I laid there hoping that was not an indication of how the larger procedure was going to go. I got dressed again and we were taken to yet another room where the hysteroscopy was actually going to take place. The nurse told us we'd only have to wait about twenty minutes while the meds reached their full potential, but we ended up waiting nearly an hour as Dr. A "got stuck on a phone call". The only good part of that is all the awesome video footage Momma B got of me all looped out on Valium. Was I a riot! I guess we were laughing really loud in that little room and I kept talking about my vagina. Good times. Those videos will be a family favorite for years to come!

As for the procedure - in a word: PAIN! Dr. A let me down because she was rough, rough, rough again. The speculum was either too big or not lubed enough, I don't know, I wasn't down there to see, but that alone nearly made me cry. Then did a Pap smear, okay, that was okay ... but the actual hysteroscopy was horribly painful. She injected water as she went to make the uterus clear to see, but Valium/Vicodin/Toradol cocktail be damned, I couldn't hold back the tears. Yet the worst part was not the actual procedure, but the cramping that happened afterward. It felt like my uterus clamped down and twisted around itself. I'd never felt pain like that and I couldn't figure out how to lay to make it better. The nurse came back to check on me and said it should be getting better, but it wasn't ... it got SO much worse! When I finally got to sit up a little and the water drain more it did start to subside. Talk about sobering up in a hurry. Not cool. Thankfully, everything was clean and clear as a whistle so, in a way, it was worth it.

*BIG sigh of relief*

I wasn't supposed to drive myself home, but at the time I felt fine ... however, I came home and barely finished eating before I passed out cold. Yeah, perhaps that wasn't my best idea to date.

We had a great night with our besties - I got the steak I was so craving all day, the drink I needed, and the best company a girl can ask for ... Thank goodness, a great end to a nearly great day.
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