Myself. And my body.
Each BFN has taken a little more of me and this last one was devastating. I was not prepared for the pain caused by hearing the news. I knew it was a possibility, of course I knew, but I had so many hopes wrapped up into the process. With each injection I gave myself, my hope grew bigger. The higher my hopes climbed, the harder they fell. And oh did they fall - in fact they crashed and burned. I cannot remember a time when my tears literally racked my body. I was a wreck.
But as the tears slowed and my breath returned, I was able to start to look outside myself. I started looking into the Frozen Embryo Transfer - what I could expect with monitoring and medications, success rates, and personal stories. The faintest flicker of hope appeared.
Momma B and I talked with so much openness and vulnerability that night. We grew closer through our pain and disappointment, but also through our ability to look forward and reassert our goals and dreams. Another flicker.
The next day we took the dogs out to the river. It felt so wonderful to feel the warm sunshine on my skin and put my feet in the cool water. I just stood there and soaked in the energy of the air, of the day. I could see more hope shimmering across the water.
Each hour, each day, I've felt a little more of my hope renewed. I'm not completely there, but I cannot rush the healing process. It's going to take time and I am finally willing to work with myself.
I continue to read both online and a new book that has been so helpful in my healing: The Mind-Body Fertility Connection. I ordered a fertility yoga DVD. I am focused on staying healthy (if not, healthier) with regard to food, activity, etc. I continue to lean on Momma B for support in my weaker moments - which are getting less and less frequent.
Most importantly, I am slowly learning to let go of my self-depreciation. I berated myself for letting everyone down. I wondered what was wrong with me - with my body. I decided that I may not be meant to have children. I was angry, heartbroken, and resentful. I've failed at getting pregnant over and over again. That, naturally, meant I was a failure. Reading about friend's and acquaintance's pregnancies and babies hurt and made me jealous because they succeeded where I could not. Suddenly I felt like we were no longer merely TTC, but instead I became the infertile half of what used to be a very healthy couple. However, I'm slowly learning that I cannot hold onto these feelings or these thoughts (the book has helped me in this regard). I cannot keep all this negative energy inside.
So I'm taking it hour by hour - trying to stay focused on what I am rather than what I am not (or I should say what I think I am not). I have to tell myself little affirmations and visualize myself as a mother. I am working on believing again. I think after the second or third BFN I've slowly lost my ability to fully, truly believe. I am working on believing again.
I want to thank each of you for your support and love. I wish I could give each and every one of you a BIG hug to express my gratitude. It has helped me more than I can express to read such sincerity and graciousness in each comment. Healing is such a lonely journey, but the burdens are lightened considerably when you know you have people to lean on along the way. And though I may not know many of you in real life, I still feel bonded with you through this last year of blogging and TTC. You offer a respite and I am forever grateful to all of you. <3
In other news, we've officially hit CD1 and our appt with beloved Dr. M is only a few days away. Yes, we're hitting the ground running, gaining speed as we heal.