Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The True Meaning of IVF

I'Ve Forgiven

Myself. And my body.

Each BFN has taken a little more of me and this last one was devastating. I was not prepared for the pain caused by hearing the news. I knew it was a possibility, of course I knew, but I had so many hopes wrapped up into the process. With each injection I gave myself, my hope grew bigger. The higher my hopes climbed, the harder they fell. And oh did they fall - in fact they crashed and burned. I cannot remember a time when my tears literally racked my body. I was a wreck.

But as the tears slowed and my breath returned, I was able to start to look outside myself. I started looking into the Frozen Embryo Transfer - what I could expect with monitoring and medications, success rates, and personal stories. The faintest flicker of hope appeared.

Momma B and I talked with so much openness and vulnerability that night. We grew closer through our pain and disappointment, but also through our ability to look forward and reassert our goals and dreams. Another flicker.

The next day we took the dogs out to the river. It felt so wonderful to feel the warm sunshine on my skin and put my feet in the cool water. I just stood there and soaked in the energy of the air, of the day. I could see more hope shimmering across the water.

Each hour, each day, I've felt a little more of my hope renewed. I'm not completely there, but I cannot rush the healing process. It's going to take time and I am finally willing to work with myself.

I continue to read both online and a new book that has been so helpful in my healing: The Mind-Body Fertility Connection. I ordered a fertility yoga DVD. I am focused on staying healthy (if not, healthier) with regard to food, activity, etc. I continue to lean on Momma B for support in my weaker moments - which are getting less and less frequent.

Most importantly, I am slowly learning to let go of my self-depreciation. I berated myself for letting everyone down. I wondered what was wrong with me - with my body. I decided that I may not be meant to have children. I was angry, heartbroken, and resentful. I've failed at getting pregnant over and over again. That, naturally, meant I was a failure. Reading about friend's and acquaintance's pregnancies and babies hurt and made me jealous because they succeeded where I could not. Suddenly I felt like we were no longer merely TTC, but instead I became the infertile half of what used to be a very healthy couple. However, I'm slowly learning that I cannot hold onto these feelings or these thoughts (the book has helped me in this regard). I cannot keep all this negative energy inside.





So I'm taking it hour by hour - trying to stay focused on what I am rather than what I am not (or I should say what I think I am not). I have to tell myself little affirmations and visualize myself as a mother. I am working on believing again. I think after the second or third BFN I've slowly lost my ability to fully, truly believe. I am working on believing again.

I want to thank each of you for your support and love. I wish I could give each and every one of you a BIG hug to express my gratitude. It has helped me more than I can express to read such sincerity and graciousness in each comment. Healing is such a lonely journey, but the burdens are lightened considerably when you know you have people to lean on along the way. And though I may not know many of you in real life, I still feel bonded with you through this last year of blogging and TTC. You offer a respite and I am forever grateful to all of you. <3

In other news, we've officially hit CD1 and our appt with beloved Dr. M is only a few days away. Yes, we're hitting the ground running, gaining speed as we heal.

9 comments:

  1. What a beautiful and well-written post. So happy you are working through the toughest tides together and coming out stronger on the other side. And hope!!! Isn't she a beautiful thing?? Big hugs to you both :)

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  2. loved reading this post, it's so lovely to see you emerging from the devastation with a glimmer of hope.

    i know how hard it can be -- my fresh ivf cycle did result in a bfp, but i lost the pregnancy by the 1st ultrasound. i went through a really dark period before i was able to scrape myself up off the floor and get ready for my FET (which resulted in our first daughter). [hoping a successful FET story can contribute to the growing optimism] wishing you lots of luck!

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  3. really glad to read this. really glad you're hitting the ground running for FET. happy CD1.

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  4. this made me cry a little. You will get there. It will happen. And one of the things that Lynn kept telling me over and over is true for you, too: none of this is your fault. Even if something is wrong, it's not your fault. No one blames people who have Lupus or Cerebral Palsy or Down Syndrome for the troubles their diseases cause--and you shouldn't blame yourself for anything about this process that isn't perfect, because you are doing everything you can do, and that is the most you can ask of yourself. I hope the healing keeps on coming!

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  5. I'm so sorry about the BFN. It is painful and devastating. This process brings with it a myriad of emotions. I'm so happy to hear that you're looking forward to the FET. Best of luck

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  7. Perfectly articulated post, I absolutely loved it. Thank you for sharing your story with such candor. I am in awe of you being able to share such raw emotions as they are happening to you. Here's to your healing and your hopefulness.
    "Hope is the thing with feathers
    That perches in the soul,
    And sings the tune--without the words,
    And never stops at all." - Emily Dickinson

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  8. Thanks for sharing yourself with us. I imagine that was hard to write and I appreciate that you did.

    I'm wishing you all the best for FET.

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  9. Can I just pull you all close and give you a *hug*?! =)

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