Sunday, September 25, 2011

Right On Track

Disclaimer: I knew my body wouldn't let me down.  Thank you, body!

I went in for my u/s on Thursday with a bit of nervousness because of what Dr. A had said, but this time my appointment was with Dr. S who I've only seen once before.  What a difference a doctor makes!  Though I was at CD17 and my follicle was still only measuring 12mm, Dr. S told me we have to look at the big picture: since I've had a few longer cycles (especially my last one), I could still OV at some point through CD21.  So he had me schedule another appointment for this morning to see if this was indeed true.  My lining was almost 9mm that day, so I was definitely on track except for the slow-growing follicle.  

I almost pushed the appointment out until Monday morning because I just started a new job - more on that in a minute - yesterday and I didn't know if I could get the extra time for my lunch break in order to go.  However, when I found out the only appointment available Monday morning was with Dr. A, I said no.  Apparently I stated it rather too quickly because the nurses looked at me and asked if I had a bad experience with her.  I had to explain that each encounter I've had with Dr. A has never been a good encounter.  One nurse said she hadn't heard anyone say that in awhile and another asked if she was too "dry" with me - both of which lead me to believe I'm not the only person that doesn't mesh well with Dr. A. Ah well.  Dr. S and Dr. M - I'll take them any day!

Anyhow, luckily it wasn't a problem getting them to okay the extra time for my lunch break and when Dr. S told me that little follicle of mine grew to 18mm, I wanted to jump up and hug him!  If it weren't for his willingness to let my body do it's thing and to look at that "big picture," this cycle may not be happening.  I'm so grateful for him.

FET is a go!  Momma B and I were ecstatic today.  And I was even more excited when I found out our beloved Dr. M is covering next weekend.  I joked to Momma B that my body was just holding out to make sure he was the one that would perform the transfer!  Hey, it could be true.  ;)

Honestly, life has been so wonderful lately.

My new job - I love it.  And I have to say, it literally walked into my lap - all thanks to my awesome friend, N at IPOG.  When we first moved up here, there were no full-time benefited positions available and I was okay with a per diem/on-call position in the mean time as I am on Momma B's insurance and figured at some point I could find a full-time slot.  Well, after interviewing for a position that I thought would be amazing, but didn't end up getting, I was texting with N when she told me about a posting for a full-time labor and delivery position at a hospital in the town where Momma B and I are planning on buying a house within the next year.  I applied and got the job at the interview!  It was surreal.  What luck too!  I would've never looked myself, so I'm indebted to N.  What's been so wonderful is the fact that it's so much like the job I loved and had to leave in San Diego.  I cannot discount the per diem job because I've truly come to appreciate the differences and so enjoy the people I work with there; so I've got two jobs now!

Yes, life is good.  And just keeps getting better.  

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Bearer of Bad News

No smiley face this last weekend, so I went in for an ultrasound.  Of course, who did I end up with, but my not so fav - Dr. A.  (She attempted to sympathize with my failed IVF cycle, but it just came across as awkward and insincere.)  Turns out I may be having yet another off cycle since IVF.   *sigh*

My one little egg in my right ovary was only 9mm on Monday and my lining was only 5.8mm - just a little questionable as to whether it's on track or not considering Monday was CD14.  Though right on track according to my iPeriod (which says I should be OV tomorrow or Friday).  Dr. A tells me I need to come back Thursday for a repeat ultrasound and my little egg should be at least 15mm otherwise "this cycle will be a no go."  Yeah, that's how she delivered the news with a completely flat affect, no sympathy, no emotion whatsoever.  I was in total shock and denial so when my fav RN told me the same thing a little bit later (with a soft voice and complete empathy) I felt like I was hearing it for the first time - though Momma B looked at me like I was a crazy woman when I responded in kind.

I let Dr. A's crappy-ness and the potentially bad news affect me for a short time, but then I decided that just because Dr. A is a glass-is-half-empty type woman, I am not!  I should be right on track for my body and I believe in that.

But ... I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous about the ultrasound tomorrow.   I don't want to wait yet another month.  However, I know I need to let go of my need to control because in this entire process I honestly have no control.  It's gonna happen when it's gonna happen.  I'm thankful for the process.  Really.

Monday, September 12, 2011

My Inner Circle

Blogland has been extremely kind to Momma B and I - it has brought a couple of the most lovely women into our lives. Amazing to think this little blog of mine could have created a true, sustainable friendship that has already provided more support than I had ever hoped for.

Momma B and I spent the weekend with said best friends, N & J, in Sonoma. Good times were had by all wine tasting, conversating, eating, shopping, and yes there may have been a couple of drunken nights involved. It was relaxing, without pressure or discomfort, and one of those experiences that leaves you smiling for months afterward.

I've honestly never had friends that you go on trips with together. This is an entirely new experience for me and I loved every minute of it. It was a weekend of enjoying each other and learning more and more about these beautiful women. There was no stress and little talk about TTC - and when we did it was full of hope and renewal. It's wonderful to have someone near you that is going through similar experiences. Makes the entire TTC experience easier knowing the people you have available to you to lean on during the rough moments has expanded.

Now, you may or may not remember that I do a daily meditation CD from the wonderful people at Circle + Bloom. I recently found out they developed an app for the iPhone and have been getting some great inspiration from the daily quotes and journal entries. Today's entry for CD6 talked about visualizing everyone in your life around you and realizing that relationships can create stress which in turn can of course indirectly affect your fertility. It included an exercise to picture only those that provide unconditional love and support during this TTC process. "For those that give you positive energy and make you feel good about yourself and becoming a mother, you can see that 'string' between the two of you become stronger and more energized." As I sat and looked around the table at the three women sitting with me after reading those words, I couldn't help but smile and tears pricked the back of my eyes. That is exactly what this weekend did for all of us: strengthened and energized the bond between us. All of these women are my cheerleaders and my rocks. (I can only hope to give as much and more in return!) Who would've thought this weekend and these women could also positively affect my fertility?!

This weekend was one for the memory books. And these women are now firmly ensconced in my inner circle alongside Momma B. Thank you, Blogland!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

New Beginnings

Here we are again: CD1!  

I just happened to have an acupuncture appointment scheduled and what a great way to start off this cycle - relaxed and rejuvenated.  I had made my own meditation/relaxation tape to listen to while I lay there, but unfortunately my acupuncturist's technology wasn't quite up to date.  Instead I played it while driving home (listening rather than meditating, of course) and it struck a chord.  

At one point it said: "Wanting something means you put your energy into hoping something pans out in the future.  On the other hand, saying thank you for it - in advance of your actually seeing it manifest - injects a powerful energy into that seed of potential."  My heart skipped at hearing those words and instantly I felt it swell as I literally said "Thank You!" out loud to myself and the universe in the car.  

Courtesy of Baby W is on the Way
Thing is, I am thankful.  Why haven't I expressed this before?  I'm thankful for this body of mine and all I have put it through.  It continues to function well and though I may have loaded it down with some extra weight, it's still healthy and more than capable of getting pregnant and delivering a child into this world.  I'm thankful for the insurance we have that has made the IVF and FET cycles not only possible, but affordable.  I'm thankful for the IVF cycle creating beautiful eggs and, now, even more beautiful embryos.  I'm thankful for those embryos that will turn into healthy, lively children that will bless our lives with more  joy than I could possibly imagine.  I am so happy to have this life because despite the difficulties and trials, there is still so much more that is rewarding and so very much to look forward to ... as, honestly, life only continues to get better as I get older.  I never thought that would be true, but here it is.

I continue to do my nightly meditations and focus on visualizing myself with this pregnancy.  I continue with my weekly acupuncture appointments and daily fertility yoga DVD.  I continue because though I hope it helps achieve a pregnancy of course, it's also just good for me and this body that I need to nurture and show my appreciation.  I know some give advice not to think of it at all, but I am not that person, so instead I will work with how my mind works and turn it into something of gratitude and joy.  I enter this cycle with more happiness and less worry than any cycle before because no matter what has happened or what will happen this time around, I know I will be a mother.  I am content in that knowledge.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

To Cloth or Not To Cloth?

Courtesy of Caroline's Creations

I've been considering switching to something like the above.  Let me explain.  Momma B and I plan on using cloth diapers on our future children - it's better for them, the environment, and our pocketbooks.  My main reason is simply to keep things as pure and chemical-free as we can.  Then I started thinking, why would I not hold the same standards for myself?  After all, if this is so important for my future children, why wouldn't be for me?  Now, I'm a tampon girl, through and through.  However, I have started to find I prefer the pads at night, thus my current interest and research.

So I put this out to all of you, my lovely readers: have you or do you currently use cloth menstrual pads?  If so, what did/do you like and dislike?  And, any favorite vendors (as I've been finding there are many!)?

Thank you so much for your help. 
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