Thursday, March 29, 2012

So There I Was . . .

... just an innocent bystander at my diabetes clinic appointment, when the nurse decided to call my OB/GYN since my blood pressures were high and I was significantly out of breath.  I thought it concerning, of course I did - this was the first time my blood pressures have spiked - but I never thought it would lead to me being admitted to the hospital!

Doctor's orders - the nurse walked me over to Triage in L&D to be evaluated for PIH (Pregnancy-Induced Hypertension).  My blood pressures started out 150s over 100s.  I still had 1+ protein in my urine.  I had found out on Monday that I gained 14 pounds!! in two weeks - definitely water weight as my increased swelling and breathlessness can attest.  Didn't look fabulous for me, but luckily my liver enzymes and platelet counts were still normal.  As Dr. G told me on Monday and the fabulous Dr. K told us yesterday - my body is trying to develop pre-eclampsia.  Dr. K laid everything out for us yesterday and covered all the bases.  I was very impressed with her bedside manner - she knew I knew what she was talking about, but still made sure to cover it in detail so that Momma B and I were both on the same page with regard to how much we understood.  It definitely put us both at ease. 

There was a small chance I could go home, but they decided to admit me to monitor my pressures closely, collect a 24-hour urine specimen, and start my insulin protocol to get these damn blood sugars under control.  I got the first betamethasone dose yesterday - that lovely steroid that helps the babies lungs and brains mature in case of early delivery, but has an even lovelier side effect of raising blood sugars even higher.  Great time to start me on an insulin protocol, don'tcha think! 

Last night I was so set on the initial information I got from Dr. K that I may be here for a day or two.  I focused on that.  Not that I'm not being treated well, very well in fact; the nurses here are simply wonderful.  However, switching roles from nurse to patient isn't so easy and is quite surreal.  I want to help more than I can, but instead I have to sit back and let them do things for me, appreciate their role in my care, and let them do their job ... as I always hope to receive from my own patients.  I have to let some of that need to control go.  That includes trying to control what's going on and putting my trust in the doctor's words.  And they're no longer saying a couple days, but rather a couple weeks ... possibily until delivery. 

I'm still wrapping my head around that because though I know how unpredictable pre-eclampsia can be (and yes, I found out this morning that is the official diagnosis), I still just want to be home even if it's stuck in my own bed.  I know this is the safest and best place for me to be.  I know this is where they'll catch things before it gets too far.  I'm accepting that, but it's still hard.  I miss Momma B.  I miss our kitties and doggies.  I miss my bed.  However, I want these boys to stay safe and sound in my womb for as long as possible; their best chance for that is with me staying in the hospital. 

So I have resigned myself to the worst case scenario - staying here until delivery - and with resignation comes perspective, positive perspective.  I will take from this many things, not the least of which is a deeper understanding and compassion for my future patients that may go through something similar.  I will take from this a greater appreciation and love of my chosen profession and those I share that passion with - namely, these awesome nurses and aides that have already made me feel so cared for.  I will take from this a greater understanding of my body and it's limitations and amazing strengths.  I will take from this the love and support I have received ten-fold from family and friends.  I will take from this the amazing love and support from Momma B - she is my rock, the love of my life - I will never be able to take that nor her for granted.

I'm sure there will be down moments and you may stand witness to those as well.  I am, after all, human.  However, in the end I will walk away from this stronger and more understanding.  Deep down, I'm sure this is not a journey that will end soon - I'm holding onto these kids for at least another 4 - 6 weeks.  Sorry boys, you're stuck with your momma until then. 

Looking ever so swollen and happy to be in Triage!
Happy, reactive baby boys - and contraction free!

Friday, March 23, 2012

Freak Out!

This has been a very tough week, emotionally.  After nearly two weeks of mostly sitting around with too much time on my hands to think, I find myself worrying distressing fretting and unsettling my psyche with so many thoughts - ranging from silly to serious.  I don't feel ready physically, psychologically, emotionally ... Granted I know there's no way I'll ever feel ready in any way.  Yet that doesn't stop this stupid mind of mine from going way out to left field.  I worry about diapers - do we have enough?, clothes - do we have too many?, silly stuff.  I worry about not having enough time with them after delivery - I'm only approved for up to 8 weeks, if I will be able to exclusively breastfeed both - my main goal, stressful stuff.  Ugh.  I want to control these thoughts, not let them make me cry again and again, and definitely not let them take over.  If they do, they could easily affect the outcome of some of these things I'm nonsensically worrying about - e.g., breastfeeding.  Ugh again.  I need to let it all go ...

Today we went in for a 3d ultrasound to try and finally get a good look at these boys.  Once again, they were not cooperating.  They need to figure out how many pictures they're going to be in once they're outside the womb and just get over their shyness.  For reals.  We got the best 2d profile pic of J yet, but it still wasn't that great.  We were almost able to see J's face in 3d but not well enough.  PB and J were basically laying face to face with a tangle of arms and legs in between - though at one point it looked like PB was laying with his hand and chin on top of J's head.  Seriously cute.  I wish we could have gotten that shot clearly.  Good to know, shy or not, these boys already look like they're good friends.  Okay, they're forced to be close right now, but we already talk and make up stories for them so it works for us.  Yeah, we're kinda nerdy that way.

P.s.  We finally got all the pictures from our second baby shower.  This weekend I'll be sorting through them all and will post about them very soon.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Good News

My lab results were normal!  Thank goodness.  I'm still on modified bed rest, as a precaution, but that's okay.  I'd rather err on the side of caution and I have to say it's definitely reduced the swelling!

Unfortunately, my blood sugars are all out of whack.  My fasting blood sugars have been averaging around 130 and just get worse from there.  Insulin is becoming more and more of a reality in my future.  Le sigh.

Bed rest isn't much fun, I have to say.  Of course, part of it could be my lack of motivation to do much other than watch TV and play on the internet.  I can think of all sorts of things to do - read, knit, find and work on baby books.  Yet I have not started any of that.  I'm trying to cut myself some slack, but then I think - um, you've been out on disability for over a month and haven't done much of that either.  Hmmm ... where do I find that motivation?  Where do you?

I want to tell you about both our baby showers - they were awesome by the way - but I'm waiting for pictures of the latest one before I do.  What good would it be to tell you without being able to show you?!  Soon, I hope!

Monday, March 12, 2012


So remember that post the other day when I said that this pregnancy hasn't had any complications other than GDM.  Well, that's no longer true, unfortunately.

We had an appointment with our awesome OB, Dr. G, this afternoon.  Now that I'm past 20 weeks, I have to pee in a cup for a urine dip before every appointment.  Even though I haven't had any problems other than swelling in my hands and feet (all of which I thought was normal), for some reason today when he walked in and asked if I had any questions or concerns my first thought was that urine dip.  Maybe it was having just learned I nearly doubled my weight gain in less than three weeks?  Maybe it was just my nursing instincts kicking in?  Either way, that was when I learned the not-so-fun news.  My urine dip showed 2+ glucose and protein, which means that I'm spilling a lot of sugar and protein into my urine.  Neither is good.  

My GDM thus is still uncontrolled, so my glyburide will probably be increased and more than likely I will have to be put on insulin.  Dr. G just wants to see my sugars for the rest of this week - since I've been a very bad patient and haven't been keeping track lately.  Guess these last two or three weeks of eating out, parties (we had both our baby showers within two weeks of each other), and cravings haven't done me any justice either.  Time to get it back under control.

Now protein in the urine can mean multiple things, but it is most indicative of pre-eclampsia.  Especially when connected with high blood pressure and sudden weight gain.  Fortunately, my blood pressure is staying normal.  The weight gain?  Well, six pounds out of 14 gained in less than three weeks is significant.  So possibly two out of three?  Makes me a bit nervous.  Now I'm on modified bed rest - spending most of my day sitting and/or laying down and only allowed to "putter" around the house.  I'm anxious to get my lab results.  Here is where I hope my liver enzymes and creatinine are normal.  Here is where I am hoping I'm okay and the bed rest alone will help.  I don't want to develop anything more serious.  So I hope hope hope ...

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Growing Boys

This morning was our second perinatal appointment.  This time we definitely were unable to really see what our boys looked like, rather it was a stream of moving body parts on screen - some recognizable, some not so much.  Thankfully the u/s tech, though not overly friendly, does talk to us enough to know what she's looking at and measuring.  PB weighed in at an impressive 2lbs 2oz and J wasn't far behind at 1lb 15oz.  Still within normal range (the average at 25 wks ranges from 1.5 - 2.2lbs), but definitely topping the charts, proportional, and quite good news for twins.  In addition, my cervix is staying long and closed.  Other than my GDM, this pregnancy continues to be rather uneventful in terms of possible complications.  In fact, the other Dr. G - the perinate - told us we're "very boring" and don't need to come back for six weeks.  That put the biggest smile on my face!  Probably the first time I've been excited to have that particular adjective attached to me.  

These boys have been extremely active the last couple of weeks.  They're definitely getting stronger and stronger.  Though nothing to keep me up at night, I'm definitely enjoying all the bumps, bounces, kicks, and punches.  After today, I think I can start to differentiate who's who.  PB is always lower and always on my left, J just the opposite.  I thought before that perhaps J was less active, but now I know they're both just as nutso in there.  J tends to face my back, so I think that's why I didn't feel him as much early on.  There's no denying there are two babies in there!

Supposedly, animals can sense a difference when you're pregnant.  Well, I think in the case of our kitties that may be true, but the dogs seem to be really oblivious.  Of course, it could be the cats are really just enjoying all the extra attention they get and all the resting I've been doing since going out on disability.

Sleep when the babies sleep, right?!
Mikey's got this one down to a science.  ;)

Lola loves to just relax while propping herself on my belly.
I want to thank all of you that responded to my last post.  Isa, I think you're right in that pregnancy can be kind of boring and uneventful so there seems to be less to post about.  During TTC everything was such an emotional roller coaster, it needed to come out.  Now there are no ups and downs really.  Just a constant happiness and one-track mind of babies.  However, though my blog does bring me happiness and I continue it because of that; the difference - in my mind - between a blog and a diary is the audience and I try to keep that in mind as well.  Online there is a network of support and advice that I wouldn't get if I kept all these thoughts to myself in a private journal.  That is why I started this blog, to reach out to a wider circle than what I knew in person.  In some cases, it's broadened that IRL circle and in others my online circle.  I am glad for that and love to read other people's journeys, struggles, and dreams realized as well.  Thank you to those of you that came out of the woodwork to let me know you are enjoying our journey, and thank you to those that have been around and commented many times before.  You're a big part of why I keep doing this!  

Monday, March 5, 2012

Where To Go

I think I've lost a bit of direction with this beloved blog of mine.  I always tried to share our story without it becoming too much like a diary, but lately those are the only posts I can think of to write.  So as I search for my own answer to this, I also put it out to you ... what keeps you interested in a blog in the long term?  Where do you find your inspiration and/or direction for your own space?
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